Finding myself

Some things I've been thinking about a lot lately...People in the queer community have to "come out of the closet" because society collectively decided that there is a 'normal' way to be. This idea assumes that everyone is the same - or should at least try to be. Coming out means a person has to accept they aren't 'normal" and be brave enough to share that with a world that isn't built for them.

It's the same with ableism. Ableism is the belief that there is one right way to have a body and if yours works differently, that's your problem. What a load of garbage.

Just looking outside is proof that there is no normal, no one way of existing. Every animal, plant, rock. Every day and night. Every star. Every minute. Is different. Everything is unique, irreplaceable, and itself. Including people. Acting as though people can and must fit into specific categories to be worthy and whole is blind, ignorant, and so damaging. It's such a small way of seeing the world.

I've been thinking about this a lot as I go through my own coming out experience and teach myself that it's okay -wonderful even- that I am not 'normal.' I don't have to fit the narrative society places on white females born into middle-class, conservative, Christian families. I can be whoever the fuck I want. I can be ME.

It's been so freeing to realize this and a true joy to share this realization with others. It was a long road to get here though. I've spent my entire life-fighting depression and only about 7 months ago did I realize that what I've really been fighting is myself. Why? Because I am not the person society wants me to be. I am not who I "should" be so I must be broken and worthless. At best, I'm a mistake, a glitch, a malfunction.

After realizing how much I hated myself for not fitting in, I had to decide: Do I leap into the unknown to discover and love myself? Or do I struggle on, knowing I could very likely die trying to hate myself into becoming 'normal'? What if I don't like who I am? What if my discovery turns my life upside down? I was so scared but I was so tired of hating myself, so I chose to take the jump. To find me. To love me.

Doing so has been the hardest thing I've ever done. What I discovered about myself was bittersweet. I was like coming home. But it also showed me that my current life did not align with my true self. I was not home yet.

This discovery forced me to make another terrifying decision: Do I try and put my true self back in a box, try to forget about it, and likely die trying? Or do I destroy the life I've built so I can truly live? Am I willing to hurt the person I love most in the world in order to live? Am I willing to risk losing friends and family to feel free? Am I willing to peel myself away from every part of my life that has kept me safe? I was stuck there with these questions and fears for a long time. Eventually, I chose to live, even though it meant walking away from life as I knew it.

I can't describe how painful it has been. How scary. How many times have I doubted myself. How many times I have cried. How much I've mourned the life I had to leave.

But this choice has also allowed me to breathe deeper than ever before. It has allowed me to love myself in a way I never knew I could. I feel so much lighter. I have so much hope.

I guess I'm sharing this to tell you how hard our society makes it to live outside of the 'normal' they created. How actively society forces us to hide from ourselves and others to play the Game of Life. I want you to realize how incredible it is that anyone "comes out" and lives authentically. Because it is not easy.

I also want to introduce you to my true self. The old me (Kelsey) was trapped under the pressure of her family, the church, and her community to be what they wanted her to be. She tried so fucking hard to fit their vision but it was quite honestly killing her. My new name has helped me to step out of all the "shoulds" and pain I carried when I was trying to be someone else.

This is the real me.

My name is Wren. I am queer and non-binary. My current pronouns are she/her. I am brave and scared. I am strong and weak. I am just like you, trying every day just to live in this fucked up world. We can do it. I believe in us. There is hope. ✨